i used to be a bitch

It was 2002.  I was living in the City of Angels, trying to make it on my own.  My first stab at a career had ended.  Five years in the practice of law was all I could take.  I tried… Believe me, I tried. 

I started as a corporate Bankruptcy attorney and after two years of reorganizing Carolco Pictures (do you remember them? they did the Terminator and many more), I found myself intrigued with the world of Entertainment.  It’s Funny – most people relocate to Los Angeles to be involved in that world.  I had been there for 7 years already and it had taken me that long to bite. I’m glad I did.

It taught me a great lesson which I’m still in the process of implementing.

 

I took a job at Jersey Films. Not a good move, or so I thought at the time.  Here I had been thinking I was “moving up” on the career ladder and instead, I became a glorified assistant to an assistant.  The job sucked.,  AND I had taken a not so small pay cut for it.  Played the cards, lost the hand.  I moved on.

Next, I landed at E-Entertainment.  This job may actually have been worse.  Silly me.  I thought I had been hired as a L-A-W-Y-E-R who graduated cum laude from a prestigious school.  I guess not.  I found myself doing the same grunt work I had been doing 12 years earlier without a college degree or any prior work experience.

The mentality in Hollywood is that people are dying to be a part of their glamorous world and will basically work for minimum wage no matter how qualified they are.

Not me.

I was miserable.  Resentful.  Self-serving. I thought I deserved better. I was smart, educated and reliable.  So then why did I feel like a bottom sucking, worthless piece shit? To top it all off-not surprisingly- my first marriage was falling apart.

We always have a choice.  We can either tune in to the universe and accept the gifts it offers to us, no matter how disguised they may seem at the time, or we can fight and lose the battle.  I had no idea the universe had my back at the time so I fought it every step of the way.

I was a TOTAL BITCH!

Not on purpose, of course.  I really had no idea how poorly I was behaving…   But everyone else around me did.  No one liked me besides my family and my closest friends.   Honestly, I wonder now if they really liked me at the time, or were just putting up with me because they thought they had to.

So now here I was with no job at all, no husband, living in this crazy, intense city where everyone was out for himself, biting to survive.

At some point, I stopped sleeping.  Well-not completely.  I’d go to bed every night around 10pm and without fail, I was up at 1am.  It actually became a game I had with myself. I’d open my eyes, guess the time was 1:03am or 1:07am, look at the clock and smile that I could be that on track.  I’d be up until 4:00am, fall back asleep for an hour or two and then my blaring alarm would jolt me up again.  Perfect.  Exhausted and bitchy…  What a great combination to start the day.

At some point I scheduled an appointment with my doctor so I could beg for something to keep me asleep at night.  He knew me quite well. I had been there several times over the past few years with various maladies.  You name it.  Sinus infections, IBS symptoms, the flu.  If it came around, I got it.  It’s no wonder.

My body was a mess.  Undernourished in every sense of the word.  Overstimulated.  Completely stressed out.

Not that there is really any excuse to act like self-deserving, self-centered, thoughtless bitch, but when your body is not getting the nourishment it needs, how can you possibly give back positive, loving light?

I’d sit in that waiting room, staring at my watch, wondering how anyone could have the audacity to keep me waiting so long.  Didn’t he know I had places to go and people to see too? My time was just as important as his.  I made that perfectly clear to the assistant behind the desk.

Finally, I was seen and walked out with what I needed!    I was looking forward to sleeping through the night! But I was in for a surprise… It was more than the night I slept through.  I couldn’t drag myself out of bed after 14 or 15 hours.  My body was limp…  I had no energy.  No life.  No personality.  Not even my bitchy one.  I was sucked dry.

I thought I’d adjust to the medication but it continued for weeks.  My life wasn’t getting better.  It was getting worse. I was falling into emptiness.

I called up my doctor and asked him what he had given me.  I told him I could not function.  You know what I found out?  He had given me medication for a schizophrenic.  He thought I had a personality disorder!

Yes, I was unhappy.  Yes, I was a bitch.  But… the only personality disorder I had was that I had not yet tapped into my inner self.  I could not feel my heart.  I was not being nourished by the “primary foods” in my life that included so much more than I was actually putting in my mouth.

I needed love.  I needed guidance. I needed support. I needed compassion. I needed a nurturing relationship.  I needed a career I loved. 

Once I realized that, I took the steps I needed to make it all happen.

It’s taken me years to walk along the path I’ve been heading,  and I’m not saying I’m perfect.  God knows I’m far from perfect.  B Now, I am finally able to look at my destiny differently.  I will never again be “stuck” in a life I don’t want to be living.  Now I have a right to be happy.  I am allowed to write the fairytale I want my life to look like.  It’s up to me to create it.  No one is going to make my dreams come true, other than myself.  I know that if I send positive light out into the universe it will come back to me tenfold.

Best of all, when I lay my head down on my pillow at night, I can actually sleep through the night.

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